Doubt

Doubt... its a funny thing.  You can have the most faith, but every now and again those pesky doubts creep in.  Those thoughts can make you lose faith for a period of time. I believe then the universe comes in to remind you to keep your faith.  Some lil reminder that yes, things are going the right way.  Don't doubt what you know is your future. 

There have been times where I let doubt reside for far too long, but as time goes on I've learned that even though those doubful thoughts come into my mind I will still remain faithful to my dream.  To what I KNOW I'm deserving of.  I let go of the impatience of having it on my schedule and know the universe delivers on her schedule.  So I remain faithful, and bless those doubts that come into my mind.  Release the impatience and keep moving forward.

As I continue my evolution I feel grateful for this wisdom.  It allows me to rest easy when things don't happen as quickly as I would like them to.  To rethink the doubtful thoughts...For this.. I say thank you Spirit!!!

Out of Nowhere

I didnt see it coming, i didnt see her coming.  Out of the dark she stepped that night to speak to me.  Very casual, very light, almost a bit forgetful.  Yet still, something caused me to give my number.  Who knew that night would hold so much significance...so much meaning in my life.  I had no idea who she was, what she was like, the power she held. Until i knew.

Fear

My discovery about anxiety is that it really boils down to fear.  When I'm having fearful feelings about one thing or another (and its usually just that ONE thing or ONE other thing), it causes me to tense up, get stressed and then I end up feeling horribly nervous, anxious and just like I want to be normal.  The other day I recognized that what I have been doing for the last couple of years hasn't worked out for me.  Though you would think I would have recognized that at least a year ago since I supposedly am a spiritual being that reads lots of things, and does the work to help me stay grounded... and led me to "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result." So now I'm off to doing something different.  Its hard as hell, fighting the fear, fighting the control, but I'm choosing to just surrender and let go.  I kinda don't have a choice, but its different and releasing an attachment to any particular outcome is the right thing to do. Besides, realistically, my happiness isn't attached to receiving the thing I want.

If I really truly believe that whats mine will come to me and everything I want also wants me then surrending it all, the attachment, the control, the fear, anxiety and whatever else there is ... leaves me open to receive WHATEVER is mine.  In the meantime, I'm thankful for recognizing this.  Thankful for each moment that I'm blessed with.  Wow, I'm feeling better already! :)

She Was ...

She was the one that was supposed to be,
and she was for a while.
She was strong and bold, and smart,
she told me that i could dream any dream and make it come true
i believed her, i believed you...
I had my faults, but thought you would stay through them
I thought you would fight for me, for us, but you didnt.
you quietly walked away....but i'm not mad...only sad
sad at what could have been, what should have been...
and still so very hopeful that what could have been, what should have been
will be
...in the meantime, i keep taking my steps forward and on occasion, yes i do look back...
because to keep looking ahead hurts way more than i care to experience...or maybe i'm backwards and
im looking back to keep myself from forgetting the love that i had that made me feel so so alive.

i dont know, but i do know she was supposed to be .... and now she's not...

Smile

I smile each day. 

Even though there is a part of me that is hurting ... I smile. 
I think of you and smile and while a tear falls from my eye ... i smile.
My heart feels like its missing a piece, you stole a part of me and yet ... i smile.
I remember you telling me you wanted to stand in the fire with me, but you're gone
you told me that you wouldnt leave, you werent going anywhere, but you're gone.
AND even in that knowing ... i smile.

I smile because YOU have inspired me to be an amazing woman, i smile because you believed in me, i smile because you KNEW me and i didnt have to tell you much about me or what i liked or who i was...YOU

SAW

ME

and now you're gone, and I still smile.

Growth

New times, new beginnings, fresh start....

When change needs to happen in your life and you arent doing it for yourself...the Universe takes care of it for you.  It might be a huge shift that disrupts your life.  During that time if you are going through pain...take your time to heal, cry when you need to, write, be alone, be still, be with friends, seek therapy if you need it, but do not, do not try to rush your healing.  Things will fall into place!  They will...have faith and trust that the Universe is working in the background of your life.  Smell the roses and be grateful they exist...everything will be ok. 

Today I'm smelling the roses and feeling blessed that I can.

Marianne Williamson - Enchanted Love

Listened to Marianne's radio show...really got some clarity...*sigh*