Letting go

It started with “I suggest you start letting go”


Those words pierced my heart

In that moment I thought I might fall to pieces

Recognizing that I must indeed let go

“God, please help me!!” I begged for her strength to get me through

There was though, peace in that clarity

Enough peace for me to start to see, really see

That in that letting go was the new beginning

“God, you have shown me a whole new beginning”

A new way to be, to love, to see, to share

I embraced that new beginning

decided that I was only letting go of what didn’t work

what was unhealthy, what was broken, what was old

and time start over with what I finally got to see

a new beginning to rediscover love

to begin love anew

for our souls to once again speak to one another

as they have before

in this new beginning way

where only love can prevail

in the most vulnerable of ways

what a blessing that day

the day you suggested I start letting go

i'm allowing her to choose what happens in my life, but maybe not...she's not even speaking to me...so the message is clear and yet i'm clinging to the hope that she tells me something, anything i want to hear even deep down in my soul i know she's not. oh well, a girl can dream can't she...i'm going to bed..or at least in my room.

The message is deafening...

I waited and hoped, hoped and waited
for you to call
and say to me-ok, baby, i'm ready
i love you and can't see my life without you
lets make this happen
lets work together
build our foundation
have our family
i'll be there for you
and i know you'll be there for me
i know because i know you love me
but that call never came
as much as i thought it would
even though your words echo over and over in my head
"My love for you is bigger than me"
None of it makes any sense to me
doesnt love conquer all if you have that type of love
but then maybe it does make sense
i just havent figured it out
the only thing i know for sure  is
you havent called
you didnt say anything to me
and in not saying anything
i heard plenty....

As each day passes the silence becomes more and more bearable. I'm used to it. Used to not hearing her voice. Used to feeling single. Used to being alone. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but one day it wont matter. Maybe for her now is that one day. Maybe she doesnt realize that one day I wont ask her if she wants to....Maybe for her that doesnt matter. Maybe thats the goal. I seem to get a lil less sad as each day passes. More and more like this is normal. I do believe that she will realize all this love was for her and she doesnt even know how good it could be, but she's letting it go down the drain.

Separated

i just wanna know WTF is separated? What does it mean? Does it mean you get to have the privilage of spending time with me when YOU want to, but what? i just dont know...but the bigger question i guess is why am i allowing this? Why don't i change something if i dont like it? UGH....so many questions and even though i feel like i have the right answer the fear keeps me from acting. I will get nowhere this way...

I finally did

So I was feeling decent about our interaction last night, but still sad at where we are and can we ever recover, but then i text this morning. No response, not that she had to, but then i called to ask can i make you dinner tomorrow? She didnt answer her work number so i called the cell and no answer. Now i dont feel so good anymore. I am really not sure what to think. Did she ignore my calls and my text? Did she decide that its not a good idea to interact with me and if thats the case why wouldnt she just say that to me? Was she busy, but was she too busy to even acknowledge me? OH tk, what am i gonna do? Maybe i just walk away and dont look back? Maybe its for the best for both of us? This really has nothing at all to do with love cuz the one thing i'm sure of is that she loves me and i love her. The other thing i guess i can't stop thinking of is who is occupying her time? Helping her with her emotions?

maybe

i want so badly to text her right now, but i'm not. i just want to say, i love you tk, but i'm not. i want her to call me and say i made a mistake, but she wont, to say, you're right its too miserable not talking to you lets work it out, but she won't. She will be gone this weekend to her retreat and maybe she'll find what she's looking for. Maybe i should just accept what is and do my best to release her...maybe....

ACHING

my heart is hurting so much right now...all i want to do is cry until i can't cry anymore. I smile and say i'm great, but inside i'm dying. Its almost like every few minutes tears well up and i have to blink them away. oh i miss this woman....

i can't help but wonder if you took my pictures down, did you? The cards too...I know you didn't have many out, but did you put those up? When you woke up this morning and after you prayed did you think about me? Do you miss me? Or has someone filled that void? you no longer desire to talk to me? right now i'm hurting so much and i just wanna know if you're feeling the same thing....

She left

She left me today
I asked God for a sign
and she left me today
Was that you God?
Speaking to me
were you telling me that she isnt the one
that all this love i feel for her was for nothing
Just a test?
She left me today
telling me that i focused on things that werent relevant
but they are relevant to me
does that not matter
She left me today and
my
heart
is
BROKEN!

Feelings

alrighty...so the saga continues...Its Friday morning and I feel like sooo much has happened that I don't see how we can get back to the love. I feel defeated, hopeless...like nothing i say or do could change where we were last night. So today its another day and another chance at learning, growing and facing challenges that are bound to teach me something. More to come later...

Its COLD

so i'm bored, right...i turn on my heater and its working UNTIL what why can't i hear it anymore...well, its not on. i'll have to call the gas company to come out and probably relight the pilot. anyway...Its cold....

I got this great new tattoo on my back, but paid an arm and a leg for it...maybe even two arms and legs...it was alot that much i know for sure. all that to say if you're looking for a great artist....Miya Bailey out of ATL...City of Ink. He will be well known in the industry very, very soon. Great energy and humble too....makes for a successful man!

I keep hearing a mosquito flying somewhere above my head...i feel like i should get up to get the fly swatter, but i'm feeling tired and dont want to get up. I barely want to get up to get in the warm bed, well at least warmer than this room.

cookie...I think we just are too different...which for me i could live with, but i dont believe you can function in this type of relationship. I know that I can, but i think its too much for you.

I go night night now....

It's another day

Thursday and i'm still wondering what the hell is really going on? Doesn't she see what is right in front of her...then i think well, don't you see what is right in front of you? I see...yes, there is another opportunity to grow, there is something for me to see...maybe she was right, maybe this wasnt our time. Maybe its another lifetime? It still hurts though...

I wonder, what is she thinking of? Is she thinking of me? Is she wondering what i'm doing? How i'm feeling? How i'm making it through the day? As i wonder how she is making it through the day? Does the job distract her from any pain she MIGHT be feeling? *sigh* Well, this much i know...no matter what everything will be fine...NO MATTER WHAT! Everything is as it should be I am certain of that. So I go on and i continue what I do. Feeling a lil less empty than i did yesterday...feeling a lil less like a piece of me has disappeared....a few less tears. No anger though, just here.

Did you think of me today?
Did you wonder how I slept?
Did you look for a message?
Some sort of sign to want to call?
Did you dream of us and wonder how this could happen?
Did you talk about me today?
Tell me cookie...did you?
Were you able to put the spoon in your mouth
and think of the times you fed me with that spoon?
did you lay on the couch and remember how we
layed there side by side?
Your head in my lap with me kissing it.
Have you thought about the kisses we shared?
The love we shared, the excitement of each moment we spent together?
I guess what i really want to know is...
Did you think of me today?