Letting go

It started with “I suggest you start letting go”


Those words pierced my heart

In that moment I thought I might fall to pieces

Recognizing that I must indeed let go

“God, please help me!!” I begged for her strength to get me through

There was though, peace in that clarity

Enough peace for me to start to see, really see

That in that letting go was the new beginning

“God, you have shown me a whole new beginning”

A new way to be, to love, to see, to share

I embraced that new beginning

decided that I was only letting go of what didn’t work

what was unhealthy, what was broken, what was old

and time start over with what I finally got to see

a new beginning to rediscover love

to begin love anew

for our souls to once again speak to one another

as they have before

in this new beginning way

where only love can prevail

in the most vulnerable of ways

what a blessing that day

the day you suggested I start letting go

i'm allowing her to choose what happens in my life, but maybe not...she's not even speaking to me...so the message is clear and yet i'm clinging to the hope that she tells me something, anything i want to hear even deep down in my soul i know she's not. oh well, a girl can dream can't she...i'm going to bed..or at least in my room.

The message is deafening...

I waited and hoped, hoped and waited
for you to call
and say to me-ok, baby, i'm ready
i love you and can't see my life without you
lets make this happen
lets work together
build our foundation
have our family
i'll be there for you
and i know you'll be there for me
i know because i know you love me
but that call never came
as much as i thought it would
even though your words echo over and over in my head
"My love for you is bigger than me"
None of it makes any sense to me
doesnt love conquer all if you have that type of love
but then maybe it does make sense
i just havent figured it out
the only thing i know for sure  is
you havent called
you didnt say anything to me
and in not saying anything
i heard plenty....

As each day passes the silence becomes more and more bearable. I'm used to it. Used to not hearing her voice. Used to feeling single. Used to being alone. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but one day it wont matter. Maybe for her now is that one day. Maybe she doesnt realize that one day I wont ask her if she wants to....Maybe for her that doesnt matter. Maybe thats the goal. I seem to get a lil less sad as each day passes. More and more like this is normal. I do believe that she will realize all this love was for her and she doesnt even know how good it could be, but she's letting it go down the drain.

Separated

i just wanna know WTF is separated? What does it mean? Does it mean you get to have the privilage of spending time with me when YOU want to, but what? i just dont know...but the bigger question i guess is why am i allowing this? Why don't i change something if i dont like it? UGH....so many questions and even though i feel like i have the right answer the fear keeps me from acting. I will get nowhere this way...