i'm allowing her to choose what happens in my life, but maybe not...she's not even speaking to me...so the message is clear and yet i'm clinging to the hope that she tells me something, anything i want to hear even deep down in my soul i know she's not. oh well, a girl can dream can't she...i'm going to bed..or at least in my room.

The message is deafening...

I waited and hoped, hoped and waited
for you to call
and say to me-ok, baby, i'm ready
i love you and can't see my life without you
lets make this happen
lets work together
build our foundation
have our family
i'll be there for you
and i know you'll be there for me
i know because i know you love me
but that call never came
as much as i thought it would
even though your words echo over and over in my head
"My love for you is bigger than me"
None of it makes any sense to me
doesnt love conquer all if you have that type of love
but then maybe it does make sense
i just havent figured it out
the only thing i know for sure  is
you havent called
you didnt say anything to me
and in not saying anything
i heard plenty....

As each day passes the silence becomes more and more bearable. I'm used to it. Used to not hearing her voice. Used to feeling single. Used to being alone. I don't know if she realizes it or not, but one day it wont matter. Maybe for her now is that one day. Maybe she doesnt realize that one day I wont ask her if she wants to....Maybe for her that doesnt matter. Maybe thats the goal. I seem to get a lil less sad as each day passes. More and more like this is normal. I do believe that she will realize all this love was for her and she doesnt even know how good it could be, but she's letting it go down the drain.

Separated

i just wanna know WTF is separated? What does it mean? Does it mean you get to have the privilage of spending time with me when YOU want to, but what? i just dont know...but the bigger question i guess is why am i allowing this? Why don't i change something if i dont like it? UGH....so many questions and even though i feel like i have the right answer the fear keeps me from acting. I will get nowhere this way...

I finally did

So I was feeling decent about our interaction last night, but still sad at where we are and can we ever recover, but then i text this morning. No response, not that she had to, but then i called to ask can i make you dinner tomorrow? She didnt answer her work number so i called the cell and no answer. Now i dont feel so good anymore. I am really not sure what to think. Did she ignore my calls and my text? Did she decide that its not a good idea to interact with me and if thats the case why wouldnt she just say that to me? Was she busy, but was she too busy to even acknowledge me? OH tk, what am i gonna do? Maybe i just walk away and dont look back? Maybe its for the best for both of us? This really has nothing at all to do with love cuz the one thing i'm sure of is that she loves me and i love her. The other thing i guess i can't stop thinking of is who is occupying her time? Helping her with her emotions?

maybe

i want so badly to text her right now, but i'm not. i just want to say, i love you tk, but i'm not. i want her to call me and say i made a mistake, but she wont, to say, you're right its too miserable not talking to you lets work it out, but she won't. She will be gone this weekend to her retreat and maybe she'll find what she's looking for. Maybe i should just accept what is and do my best to release her...maybe....

ACHING

my heart is hurting so much right now...all i want to do is cry until i can't cry anymore. I smile and say i'm great, but inside i'm dying. Its almost like every few minutes tears well up and i have to blink them away. oh i miss this woman....